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VTS

Living with an unexplained void

What is it?

Have you ever felt a deep, unexplainable emptiness inside, as if something was missing, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? For some of us, this void may come from a hidden truth: one in eight people was once part of a twin. The other twin may have passed away during pregnancy, at birth, or shortly after. Today, ultrasounds can reveal this early loss, but decades ago, it often went unnoticed.

For those of us who unknowingly carry Vanishing Twin Syndrome (VTS), life can feel like an ongoing struggle. We try therapies, we search for answers, yet the sense of incompleteness lingers. Sometimes it seems like progress is temporary, like the emptiness always finds a way to creep back in.

The challenges often show up most strongly in our love lives. Partners become mirrors for the twin we lost—someone we long to connect with in that same deep, primal way we once did in the womb. In truth, what we are often searching for is not just a partner, but a soulmate—a connection that reminds us of a bond we felt before we were even born.

The struggle with attachment

Many wombtwin survivors notice patterns in their relationships that are hard to explain. Some of us fear commitment, keeping a part of ourselves at a distance. Others fear abandonment, clinging tightly to love, sometimes so tightly it can feel overwhelming to the other person. Often, those with commitment fear are drawn to partners who fear loss, creating a push-and-pull dynamic that can go on endlessly.

Sometimes both patterns coexist within us: swinging between fear of closeness and fear of being left behind. Without knowing that these feelings may stem from a profound early loss, we can spend our whole lives caught in the same cycles, longing for a connection we once knew but was lost in such early stage.

This is the hidden story of VTS—a quiet, invisible grief that shapes who we are, and how we love. And yet, recognizing it, is the first step toward understanding ourselves, our relationships, and the deep, enduring longing in our hearts.

The Void

Wombtwin survivors (WS) often experience a void that never seems to fill. They are acutely aware of the needs of others, giving endlessly, yet often forget themselves in the process. Ask a WS what they truly want or desire, and the answer may not come easily—or at all. Sometimes it takes long reflection to even begin to articulate it. They have become so disconnected from their own needs and desires that contact with themselves can feel lost entirely. What remains is an emptiness, a profound sense of loss—without even knowing exactly what is missing. The search continues, bringing more pain, yet finding nothing truly essential.

WS often do not live their full potential. They may work tirelessly, yet let others take the credit. They take their own abilities for granted and often can’t believe that others don’t share the same talents. “What I can do, anyone can do.” But no—it’s not so simple.

The Inner Saboteur

Many WS struggle with a strong inner saboteur—an inner voice that takes control at the wrong moments and prevents them from reaching their goals. A central part of the journey is learning to manage this saboteur, which is not always easy, especially at the start of the therapy. Appointments get postponed or even canceled as the inner saboteur takes over. Some WS may even live a life dictated by the lost twin, rather than their own. Following a VTS process means reclaiming your own life, taking responsibility for yourself, and this can create significant resistance in the early stages. Your twin will never truly disappear, but the goal is to learn to live your life fully, embracing your strength and potential.

Techniques from family constellations can help determine whether someone is a WS and is affected by Vanishing Twin Syndrome.

WS often recognize themselves in the following traits, while someone who is not a WS may find them unusual:

  • I am afraid of rejection.
  • Something is missing in my life.
  • I have been searching my whole life without knowing what for.
  • I fear abandonment.
  • I struggle to be alone.
  • I often experience negative thoughts or depression.
  • I do not use my full potential.
  • I often feel a deep loneliness.
  • I am prone to addictions.
  • I am highly sensitive.
  • I often feel different from others.
  • I feel very vulnerable inside.
  • I get bored easily.
  • I am a woman with a strong masculine side / a man with a strong feminine side.
  • I often wear a mask.
  • I am acutely aware of others’ pain and want to ease it.
  • I am perfectionistic.
  • I am dyslexic.
  • I overthink constantly and struggle to “switch off”.
  • I often feel guilty.
  • I struggle to make choices.
  • I rarely finish what I start.
  • My character has many contradictions (e.g., I like order but can be very messy)
  • I have a highly developed intuition.
  • I am compassionate.
  • I have trouble expressing anger.
  • I feel a nearly constant sense of urgency.
  • I am restless.
  • I have low self-confidence.

A VTS journey is intense and requires engagement beyond the sessions themselves. Homework and exercises are part of the process.

What you gain

  • More inner peace.
  • Freedom of choice and a general sense of liberty.
  • Mastery over your own life.
  • No longer being “lived” by circumstances or old patterns.
  • Finally being able to see things through to completion.
  • An end to the endless inner conflicts.
  • Easier self-care.
  • Less clinginess—or, conversely, more courage to connect deeply with someone.
  • Clarity about what you truly want.
  • Better grounding and connection to yourself.

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